Thursday, February 17, 2005
10:40 PM
Cad to the bone
There are six degrees of toxic males in the big bad world of playboys. SANDRA LEONG shows you how to spot them By: Sandra Leong 1. THE BACHELOR WANTS TO: Get hitched to the woman of his dreams, move into a suburban flat decorated with furniture from Courts and have an army of children he can chauffeur around in his MPV. LIKELY TO BE: A nice, low maintenance guy who has been set up with everyone's friend/sister/cousin. CELLULOID EQUIVALENT: Bachelorette winner Ryan Sutter, the unassuming fire fighter who married former Miami Heat dancer Trista Rehn in the soppy reality show. WARNING SIGNS: You're expecting a lovely Cartier watch for your birthday but get cheap perfume instead. He says, without a tinge of guilt in his voice: 'Honey, I would love to buy you that Cartier watch but I think we should save up to pay for our wedding banquet/HDB flat/child's university education.' WATERING HOLES: Speed dating events where he scribbles notes as you speak, church events and chill-out places like The Wine Company at Dempsey Road. TOXICITY RATING: 3. Most women would die for such a sincere and ardent lover, but he may morph into a commitment-hungry psychopath if not monitored. If 'marriage' is a dirty word to you, run and hide. 2. PLAYBOY IN TRAINING WANTS TO: Fill up his empty date book by meeting and courting as many women as possible, expand his Friendster network and impress his beer buddies. LIKELY TO BE: An NS-boy on the cusp on manhood whose half-baked game plan is to charm junior college and polytechnic lasses at Zouk's Mambo Nite with his funky moves and Dad's Platinum card. CELLULOID EQUIVALENT: Steve Stiffler, the obnoxious high-school kid who thinks he's God's gift to women in the American Pie trilogy. WARNING SIGNS: After eyeing you from across the dance floor for an hour, he swaggers over to where you are and asks you to read a message on his mobile phone's SMS screen. It says: 'Why don't you give me your number and I'll send you my limited-edition Marooon 5 ringtone?' WATERING HOLES: Coffee joints along Orchard Road, Dbl O at Mohammed Sultan and chalets in Pasir Ris. TOXICITY RATING: 4. All cads have to start somewhere. Give these guys a couple of years and they will have honed their ladykilling instincts to a tee. The best way to fend them off is to feed their insecurities by asking if they need to 'book in' the next morning. 3. THE DIRTY OLD MAN WANTS TO: Cop a feel of anything in a skirt, have a buxom babe on his arm and have an excuse to exhaust his supply of Viagra pills. LIKELY TO BE: An unmarried towkay of an SME who recently bought his first Mercedes SLK after listing his company on the stock exchange. CELLULOID EQUIVALENT: Local sitcom PCK Pte Ltd's Frankie Foo, Phua Chu Kang's arch-rival, whose goal in life is to get into Rosie's slim wrap. WARNING SIGNS: You meet him at a company D&D at one of those restaurants with comely female singers clad in figure-hugging cheongsams, and he approaches you with a: 'Would you like to share my Martell VSOP?' WATERING HOLES: The front row of getai shows (even the ghosts don't scare him) where he can get a close-up view of the scantily-clad girl groups, S-11 coffeeshops and KTV lounges-cum-nightclubs in the Selegie area. TOXICITY RATING: 5. Apart from his wandering hands and lascivious eyes, he's probably just a lonely old man in need of some love. If you are unlucky enough to be accosted by him, tell him that the copious amount of gold jewellery he is wearing is blinding you and make a dignified exit.4. THE PLAYBOY WANTS TO: Reduce smart and sexy women to putty in his hands, chalk up an obscene number of sexual conquests and eventually star in his own reality dating show so he can fool around with more women while the rest of the world gapes. LIKELY TO BE: A well-educated and successful professional who frequently appears in society magazines but is secretly a fan of FHM and Jeffrey Chung calendars. He can gain instant entry into the most popular nightspots and impresses the girls by knowing his Chablis from his Chardonnay. CELLULOID EQUIVALENT: Catcher Block, the showy man's man about town played by Ewan McGregor in the 2003 movie Down With Love. WARNING SIGNS: He is constantly surrounded by a bevy of beauties and buys rounds of Moet & Chandon for everyone. He offers to give you a ride home in his Porsche saying 'Too bad my Ferrari is in the workshop so we can only ride in this piece of junk'. WATERING HOLES: Cocktail launches (the man will attend the opening of an envelope), posh restaurants and Devil's Bar. TOXICITY RATING: 8. One look from this Casanova and your hormones race into overdrive. Apart from looking flash, he can sweet-talk an unguarded female into submission. Adept at mind games, he will fool you into thinking you are The One, only to drop you like a hot potato later. 5. THE ADULTERER WANTS TO: Recover his lost mojo by looking for extra-curricular activities outside of his marriage, find a sweet young thing he can be a Sugar Daddy to and get away with it like a smug secret agent whose clandestine activities will never be discovered. LIKELY TO BE: An unappreciated middle-aged man with a socially active, ballroom-dancing tai-tai wife and grown-up children who view Daddy as a cash cow. CELLULOID EQUIVALENT: Russell Wong's character in The Joy Luck Club, who keeps cheating on his wife with different women till the poor woman kills her baby. WARNING SIGNS: He never gives out his home number, puts his phone on silent mode all the time and arranges meetings in the remotest of places. At the back of his BMW 5 series are lacey tissue-box covers which he insists were put there by his mother. WATERING HOLES: Hole-in-the-wall bars where he seeks solace in drink, online chatrooms and Brix. TOXICITY RATING: 9. A man who lies to his wife can't be good for you. Soon, you'll be entangled in a web of deceit, labelled a husband-stealer and have the windscreen of your car smashed in by his angry wife. Don't touch this one with a 10-foot pole. 6. THE JERK WANTS TO: Avenge the battered pride of all spurned men by treating women like dirt, revel in his accomplishments and eventually achieve cult status. LIKELY TO BE: The aloof one with brooding good looks whose icy demeanour most women can't wait to crack. CELLULOID EQUIVALENT: Jude Law's character Dickie Greenleaf in the 1999 movie The Talented Mr Ripley, a spoiled millionaire playboy who is eventually killed by his friend, played by Matt Damon. WARNING SIGNS: Pursues you madly but when you initiate a heart-to-heart talk about the relationship, his eyes glaze over. After losing interest in you, he sleeps with your best friend/sister/cousin and ignores everyone's calls when his ruse is exposed. WATERING HOLES: Weddings where he eyes the bridesmaids, house parties and Velvet Underground. TOXICITY RATING: 10. Most women fancy the idea of reining in a man like this but we think he's too hot to handle and not worth shedding any tears for.
This article first appeared in Urban on 13 January 2005
